It's About to Get Honest

For those of you are perfect parents and have it all figured out, you probably should move on to another blog right about now. If you are judgmental, please google another site. I'm getting ready to be honest. Hang tight.

Yesterday was the worst parenting day for me EVER. Now, before you say, "Did you spend quality time with them?"... let me tell you that we painted, glued, threw ball, and went on a bike ride. Sooo...yes. I spent quality time with them.

Getting Marley to actually listen and obey was not happening. It didn't matter what we did she was NOT having it. "Mom, I wanna go inside!"

"Mom, I'm not going to help clean up!"

"Mom, I don't want to eat this!"

AHHHHHH!!!

Farrah would NOT be put down. When I put her down she screamed her head off. For HOURS.

(Btw- I stand by my statement that babies screaming should be used as a torture tactic for terrorists.)

Now, I know this doesn't sound like a terrible day to you. Fine. However, I have been stuck in this house for two weeks with very sick kids. I've been doing mom stuff like getting thrown up on, cleaning up diarrhea, taking temps in the behind, etc. Ya know, fun stuff. So, my patience was non existent at this point.

Please hear me. I LOVE MY KIDS!

I know that this is normal mom stuff and I'm fine with that.

The breaking point was when my three year old started bringing out the sass and doing things she KNEW she would get in trouble for and look at me like, "Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?".

I've entertained them until I have no creativity left. I beat myself up all the time about not being like other moms. My dream is to wake up before the children. Then, spend and hour in God's word undisturbed, shower, and be completely dressed before anyone. I want to have my day planned out w/ play dates and cute craft ideas all based on a theme for the week because that's what "good" moms do right?

When I get out toys for them to have play alone time they ignore my efforts. Both stand at my feet crying while I attempt to wash dishes or do other much needed chores.

All this to say, I LOST IT YESTERDAY!

I let them know it.

It went something like this (all in a very nasty tone),

"It seems you don't care what I ask you to do! You don't care. You continue to ignore me. I'm tired of trying to help you! YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY! You have hurt mommy's feelings so bad and I'm sick of it!"

I sat there and cried and screamed in front of my kids.

"God, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of being a mom. I HATE this moment in my life."

I know, the perfect moms just gasped and can't believe the student pastor's wife said this.

Seriously. I felt at that moment like I could have walked out of this house and called a few weeks later from Tahiti to let everyone know where I was, and that I couldn't be sure if I were coming back. At that moment I didn't like my kids, myself, this life, or God.

Yes. I just typed that.

Before kids, I never knew such ugliness could lie inside of me!;)

Guess what Marley did while I was "letting her have it"?

Nope. She didn't hug me and say, "It's alright mommy".

She took her plastic bracelet and shoved it my face over and over, and then proceeded to hit me in the head with it.

Where have I gone wrong?

Brent and I spend so much time playing with theses little ones. We read, laugh, walk together, eat together, share and teach about our Savior.

(we discipline as well btw:)

My mom called. I just sobbed. "Mom, I can't do this anymore. She is being sooo hateful. They won't play. They just stand there and scream at me. Please mom, tell me you wanted to smack me silly as a kid."

My mom responds, "Oh. I never knew such vile things could come out of a three year old's mouth until I had you. Amanda, you would shove your finger in my face and tell me you were gonna do whatever you wanted to and you didn't care what I said".

She proceeded to tell me that she spanked the crap out of me.

Funny. I NEVER remember my mom talking ugly or spanking me. Ever.

She swears she did on multiple occasions.

My mom is my best friend, second to the sweet man laying over there taking a nap on the couch:).

Nap time came. Thank you Lord! It allowed me to clear my head/ heart and to read. Here is what God gave me.

Proverbs 10:19-21

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver but the heart of the wicked is of little value. The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment.

PS-I WILL not be calling from Tahiti:). I love them too much. I love my husband too much. I worship and serve an amazing God whom I know doesn't give up on me.

Last night we all went for a walk together in the snow. It was beautiful. The good times out weigh the bad by far. Marley told her dad that he would not be putting her to bed. She only wanted me.

I had apologized after all;).

I want my words to be nourishment for my children.

God knows I will fail time and time again.

My prayer is to simply admit when I am wrong and stay in His word,

there I will find wisdom.

Farrah reading to sis while she was sick (look at the snot coming out of FB's nose:)

While I was tending to Farrah Marley stole my camera. We found various pictures of her and her toys.

Farrah loves her "hat". Oooh... I wanna kiss those cheeks.

I think I will.